Today something terrible happened to me. I sat down on a toilet that had the seat left up by a careless male; Me.

In 34 years on this planet (for nearly 17 of which I have habitually used a toilet) I have never done this. Truthfully, I had always wondered why women got so upset over the issue.

But, as I plunged asshole-deep into the ice cold drink and felt the sting of freezing water kiss the back of my sack, I came to terms with the treachery in not replacing the seat to a down position.

I’m now working on a livid bruise that doubles as a tramp stamp and am conjuring the courage needed to admit I was gang raped by germs. In fact, the smearing of my fresh butt cheeks down the inner bowl not only left my ass covered in enough bacteria to cure ebola, but made it to number one on my short list of “gross shit I shouldn’t ever do again” and I’ve accidentally drank my own piss while camping.


All I can think to say to women everywhere is; I’m really really really….SORRY.

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